Pointless Anecdotes, Reviews, Poetry, Whatever

From My Journal

(Note:  I was browsing again through my journals and it never ceased to amaze me how I could come up with this ka-sentihan...  )

     "Rains fall once again in this land of rolling green terrain, the land of my dream come true, I said once upon a time.
     Seems to me I am coasting along this so-called life, never minding the true pains and longings of my heart, not confronting the conflicts and demons that lurk in the dark recesses of my mind.
     It's like I am standing at the edge of oblivion, not wanting to fall but still, the void beckons.  My flaws overwhelm me as it reminds me day after day of the praises and good reputation I don't deserve as I wake up every day to live up to the image of Me I have cultivated all these years.  My masks had melded it seemed to my real self.  I have to Be this persona -- and so I have Become -- the Mask that I sorely abhorred once upon a time."

01 August 2006

Last night, I finished watching a movie on the laptop. I noticed the date on my computer said 01 August as it struck 12MN. I was jolted into reality and nostalgia – exactly 2 years ago, I was relieved of my command as the company commander of 31MIC. And that night, after the despedida, I left immediately for PMA as my DS orders’ effectivity was also on that same date.

A tear fell in on my cheek, others left unshed. I remember the turnover ceremony. The speech I made, my heartfelt gratitude to the battalion commander who believed in me (despite the fact I was a woman, with children, and my youngest was only a year old that time). That day seemed ordinary like the usual rising and setting of the sun. I was happy that my stint is over though 6 months shy of the standard 2 years required under the QRS for company commanders. Okay na yun, magrelax ka muna sa PMA, my batcom said… but I know in his heart he is aware of the hardship I experienced just so I could fulfill this requirement and follow our career pattern like the rest of the officers in the armor. Equal opportunity, so they say. Little did he know how I dreaded facing the ghosts of my past, up there in the peaks of Baguio, in the misty and yet seemingly pernicious world where cadets are molded to become the cream of the AFP (or so the recruitment brochures and posters flaunt). But I am getting ahead of myself. 

Thank goodness nobody asked me to write a post-command report of an article of how a woman/mother led a mechanized infantry company. I’d probably ignore the order (tuyo, in cadet’s lingo) for reasons too personal to explain. One of them is that I really do not have any spectacular achievement during my stint that would merit high profile recognition. I did my job, I maintained my vehicles so that they could be used by the infantry units they are OPCON to during combat operations. I took care of my men, managed our meager resources and supplies, made the lives of our soldiers tolerable and decent, and had good rapport with the infantry units my men are opcon to. My batcom did give me a plaque – though they probably give plaques to any one these days. But I am aware of my contributions. I know I am the most diligent CO in submitting all required papers, reports, cashbooks, FURs and other compliances on or even before deadline. I visit my detachments like clockwork and work hard to maintain the unit’s AVs. At least, I believed I was one less headache/problem to my batcom as he has a lot on his mind during those times (our battalion, the 3MIB, was the 1^st unit of the armor to be given an ISO mission and an AOR).

Life there was not a peach. There was no flowing water as we had to get some in the town proper. My children are with me in the CP. The CO’s quarters had its own comfort room and receiving room. I made all arrangements just so we could live there and that I would not have to leave my children at home or with my parents/in-laws.

I did not take any pictures apart from some I took of my children in general area of our CP. But this is not to say the place was not beautiful. The view of the mountains was breathtaking. It is windy and dusty during summer. And on both sides of the road going to the CP has fields and fields planted to onions, as far as the eye could see. I believe it was self-preservation on my part. Even when I was in Mindanao, I barely had pictures of myself.  The ones I got were given by my NCOs or were taken by cameras owned by other officers. I do not want to feel sentimental about a certain place or assignment because as sure as the sun will rise, I will leave – and when that time comes, I do not want to feel a certain attachment.

But how can you do that? Of course, I was up to my ears in denial. That night, before I left the despedida, the new CO was already there, I shook his hand and said, “kayo na bahala dito sir.” And to the men, “O wag nyo pahirapan si sir, wag kayo magmaoy. Bukas na!” As I rode our pick-up traveling the lonely dark road to Baguio, I felt silent tears roll down my eyes. I do not know if it was because I was sad to go. Or I was portentously fearful of what is to come as I face the ghosts and demons of everything that relates to my Alma Mater. It felt like I was going to my execution or something worse. 

2 years after, I could always say, I told you so. Dapat di ka na lang nagpa-DS dun and all other scoldings of what could’ve been. 2 years have passed and I could not say that the worst is over. Storms continue to rage every now and then. It is only through facing them when you are in the eye of the storm that you realize how calm the center is… I have learned to find my calm in the midst of chaos.

And for that, I will always remember 01 August 2006.

Waitress -- What A Yummy Movie!

Waitress stars Keri Russell as Jenna, the waitress (of course) – she used to star in that popular TV series that rivaled

Dawson

’s Creek during the late 90s, Felicity. (Click here for the movie synopsis – I don’t feel like making summaries today, haha!).

I love movies where there are lots of cooking scenes and food (like Ratatouille the Pixar-animated film and Some Like It Hot starring Penelope Cruz). Also unique to this movie are the pies – THE PIES!! You watch Ms Jenna make them, one can’t help but wonder about the smell and the taste of those pies. They also have catchy names like Falling-in-Love pie (this I’d got to taste), I-hate-my-husband pie and I-can’t-have-no-affair-coz-its-wrong-and-earl-will-kill-me pie, names that relate to Jenna’s situations and feelings.

Other pies in the movie and what they’re made of:

I don’t want Earl’s baby pie – “quiche of egg and brie cheese with a smoked ham center”

Kick in the pants pie – cinnamon spice custard

I hate my husband pie – “bittersweet chocolate, don’t sweeten it and make it into a pudding and drown it in caramel”

Baby screaming its head off in the middle of the night and ruining my life pie –

New York

style cheesecake, brandy-brushed pecans and nutmeg

Earl murders me coz I’m having an affair pie – “smash raspberries and blackberries into a chocolate crust”

I can’t have no affair coz it’s wrong and earl will kill me pie - “vanilla custard with banana.  Hold the banana”

Pregnant miserable self pitying loser pie  – “lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambe, of course”

Marshmallow mermaid pie – marshmallows with whipped cream topped with mini marshmallows, maraschino cherries and rainbow sprinkles with a coconut-flake-and-graham-cracker crust

Falling in love chocolate mousse pie – chocolate pudding mix and condensed milk

They sound so yummy I’m feeling hungry just reading about it (some of the recipes are in waitressmovie.net/jennas-pies). 

I find myself thinking about my pasta dishes. Why, I could also “invent” my own pasta and give them unique names – how about from my favorite songs like Migraine pasta, Hate That I Love You pasta, Half Crazy Pasta, or Overjoyed Pasta?

Aside from the food, the movie also portrays important lessons in life like:

- having an affair is baaaad! 

- sometimes, it’s better not to have a man in your life, especially if the ones that gravitate to you are jerks or are already taken.

- kindness begets good karma; show kindness to everyone, even if they’re ‘mean’ and maybe somebody will give you a cheque worth a hundred grand.

Need I say to all that you have to watch it? I was laughing and crying at the same time even as the credits were already rolling (crying mostly). Next time you girls get pregnant, you might be thinking twice of having a male doctor/Ob-gyne! (Wink! Wink! Hehehe!)

I Could Have Been...

I saw this kiosk at the SM Clark mall.   It was filled with displays of barbie dolls with different designs of gowns.  I remember my dolls during elementary years, how I love to sew dresses for them from my mom's 'retaso' stash.  i also drew different designs of dress and gowns.  The kiosk reminded me, I could've been a fashion designer, hehe!

Isang Araw, sa Bookstore...

My friend Jackie, her 6-year old daughter Jamillah, and I decided to window shop down Bonifacio High Street one Sunday afternoon. As we crossed the street from the Serendra patio, we came upon the building of Fully Booked. We entered and browsed inside as usual. We came up to the second floor where the young adult fiction and children’s books were sold. There was also a carpeted reading area with small chairs and tables where you could read with the kids (most large bookstores, like Powerbooks, have these). Jackie said they would just stay in the kid’s reading area if I want to browse upstairs. So I went up (digress: I am so wanting to buy books of the Twilight saga by Stephanie Meyer!) but when I felt my feet hurting I decided to come down the 2^nd floor and join Jackie. She was sitting in a table with Jamillah and there was also a kid with his dad sitting there -- was wondering andami naman free table, bakit sila andito… But anyway, I sat and declared to Jackie “ang sakit na ng paa ko!” She chuckled and said nothing.

Just then, I overheard the dad on our table reading to his kid -- to my amazement, in perfect diction and enunciation no less! I was staring unabashedly at This Guy and a number of thoughts started running through my head like:

“Guys like You exist pa pala!!”

“Why can’t my husband be like you?” and

“Where do you and your ilk hang out?”

The fact that he was reading to his kid AT ALL is a phenomenon. And he was reading with so much drama and flair, I looked at Jackie, furtively gestured to the guy and whispered “Jackie! Are you hearing this?”

Next level na ba ng evolution ito?

How come I was never fated to meet these evolved individuals? And lot more questions na ang sagot ay “E wala e…”

Aaargh!!!

Ang point ng Blog na ito: Dads who read to their kids are HOT!

Are you guys reading this? HOT!!!

Vamos Rafa!!!!

Grabe!
I was up all night until 430am just watching with bated breath The Game -- that nail-biting, heart-stopping, asthma-attack inducing live telecast of the Wimbledon Men's Final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal.
Nadal has always been my favorite player -- I admired his no-quit/no-surrender attitude, going after every ball even if it kills him (hay grabe, every time he sprains, or slips or injures himself, para ko hihimatayin!).  He's so mabait pa, always obliging fans of his precious autograph, soft-spoken, humble and a gracious winner, always full of praises for The Fed -- sabi nya, He is still the world Number 1.
        When he won that Championship point, I jumped up my seat and screamed -- I was close to shedding tears...  I couldn't even begin to describe that moment.  I am so happy for Rafa, and for his First ever Wimbledon title, beating even the King of Grass. Grabe!  I'm so glad I watched it! Naghanap pa kaya ako ng sky cable ano para makanuod nun! (thank you Leah and Tagoy for letting me watch in your TV!)
(Read about the game here and another blog here - Dispatches: A post-Wimbledon dialogue)

“Tikman Ang Langit: An Anthology on the Eraserheads” – A Trip Down Memory Lane

            I was just at the mall window shopping and browsing at my favorite bookstore. And what do you know?  I wandered in the Music/Entertainment Section (I was looking at the songhits) to find this book. It’s about the band Eraserheads, their songs, and how they influenced the lives of the writers who contributed essays, vignettes, memories and impressions at the heyday of alternative OPM bands during the 90s.

    The contributors were fourteen journalists, mostly fans of the E-heads. I browsed through the book – hey, Jessica Zafra has contributed a comment about the Eheads here – speed-reading as I was, memories of my 90s youth (hey, am not that ‘old,’ but still, you know what I mean) was flashing before my eyes. I bought it, 180php (mura lang, but it’s printed in white paper and has a thick paperback cover, looks durable enough. Not too thick so I reckoned it won’t be a tedious read – hehe!).

I remember we were plebes in the Academy (1993-94) when the Eheads became popular. When we became yearlings (2^nd year cadets), I could hear my mistah singing songs from the ultramagneticpop Album – popular then were Tindahan ni Aling Nena with catchy lyrics that goes “Alam mo nangyari? Wala….. Wala…. Wala!” There was also Pare Ko where they substituted “’Lang hiya” with “T(bleep)”shocking the “conservative” members of the society. And, or course, my “other” nickname, the song Toyang that wailed “mahal ko si Toyang, pagkat sya’y simple lamang” (and how I wished someone were singing that song to me!)

    You can tell from their stories their high regard for the band, how it shaped their lives at the crucial point of one’s adolescent awareness, as the band did express that generation’s feelings of rebellion, angst, infatuation, nostalgia, sentimentality and all other range of emotions. They said the band’s songs had captured their youth, their pains, their dreams, longings and joys.

    My favorite album is Circus, their second. The songs Kailan and Magasin were so catchy I could even learned to play it with the guitar. With A Smile was our “class” song during our 1^st class year Airborne Training (some of our mistahs sang it with the SF combo). But the song Minsan never failed to give me goosebumps or cause my heart to twitch in a pain of nostalgia especially when it comes to the part:

“Minsan ay hindi mo na alam ang nangyayari
Kahit na anung gawin
Lahat ng bagay ay mayrong hangganan
Dahil ngayon
Tayo ay nilimot ng kahapon”

 Also, there was Ang Huling El Bimbo from the Cutterpillow album. Memories never fail to flood back as I hear these lyrics:

“Lahat ng pangarap ko bigla ng natunaw
Sa panaginip na  lang pala kita maisasayaw.
(Chorus) Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay malay
Na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig na tunay.”

 Whether it is about love or hate, driving to the moon or wooing the tindera of the sari-sari store, somewhere, somehow, a song or two by the Eraserheads has touched the our hearts – and I truly believe that this band had sung the anthem of our generation then. We, or most fans, may want them to have a reunion concert or album but deep inside we know – it will never be the same as that time and place when we first heard their songs.

 
“Tikman Ang Langit: An Anthology on the Eraserheads”
Foreword by Robin Rivera
Edited by Ces Rodriguez
Compiled by Melvin Calimag and Jing Garcia
First printed January 2007

Excerpts from Federer's Post Match interview

     Last Sunday night was the Live feed at Studio23 of the Men's Final of the French Open in Paris with Roger Federer challenging the reigning King of Clay Rafael Nadal.  Nadal, my  idol (Vamos Rafa!), won his  4th consecutive Roland Garros title in three (3) sets 1-6, 3-6, 0-6.  The Fed! The world Number 1, na - zero!  Unthinkable, but it happened... I was there, watching by myself in our sala.
     I found this excerpt posted by one of the readers of Ms Zafra's blog...  Wala lang! :)

"Q. Do you still think you can win Roland Garros?

R. Federer: Yes.

Q. Are you sure?

R. Federer: Well, if you want me to answer no if that makes you happy, then no. Choose the answer. I said yes. (laughter.)

Q. Is it more difficult to lose on such a score, or do you just accept you have a guy who can do just anything on the court?

R. Federer: Well, right now I’d say it’s easier to lose this way as today, because all along the match you realize that there is nothing you can do. You’re not going to win.
I think it was the same thing for him, and this is probably why his reaction was not as intense as it usually is. That’s because of the result. It’s always more difficult when you lose when you really could have won. Today I lost, and I lost, clearly.

Q. Imagine it’s 2009 and this little fairy comes to you and says, You’re going to win one tournament, but you have to choose: Wimbledon or Roland Garros? Which one?

R. Federer: I don’t want to answer these stupid questions anymore. They’re too stupid.

Q. But why?

R. Federer: Because I want to win at everything. I have no preference."

Oo nga naman...  Ako rin.  I have no preference :)
But sometimes, when you want to win at everything, you end up winning Nothing.
That's Life.

 

Ligaw na Tula

(Note: I found this entry in my Planner '91.  It was written dated 05 February.  I have a notebook solely for my poems but I was surprised to find one here in my planner, among my assignments, to-do lists (i was 4th year high school), polynomial equations, steno practice scribbles, class skeds and what-have-you.)

Once loved
you know it comes back
Once loved
somehow it goes back
the hope, the wish
you'll never ever leave.
Once loved
always loved.

Lust. Caution — An Attempt of a Movie Review

   I just finished watching Lust. Caution on my laptop (thanks to µtorrent and k-lite codec classic media player I was able to watch the .mkv file). Back tracking to my life some months ago, this movie was showing in metrotown tarlac mall. It was a Wednesday and I asked my husband to accompany me, but he has work to do. I have this foreboding feeling that it won’t be showing for long and how right I was (another movie had replaced it the next day)

I was curious to watch the movie because Jessica Zafra blogged about it. Also, I like Chinese films and some of my favorites are made by Chinese directors (my favorite actress is Zhang Ziyi) like Hero, House of Flying Daggers and Curse of the Golden Flower (Naked Weapon? Hahaha! Sa bus ko yata napanuod ito).

I also like espionage thriller movies where there are unexpected plot twists and calculating deception, as you wonder how long the main characters could keep it up. I remember Shining Through starring Michael Douglas and Melanie Griffith, Tailor from Panama James Bond movies (and others of the same genre starring Pierce Brosnan), Jack Ryan movies (this genre ba yun) and others.

The movie is set in Japanese-occupied Shanghai and Hongkong during WWII . It is about a patriotic drama troupe of 5 students who wanted to do their part for the resistance movement in the war against the Japanese imperialists. Their leader Kuang Yumin (played by Lee-Hom Wang – ang gwapo nya!) got the idea to murder the intelligence chief, Mr Yee (Tony Leung – his movies that I watched were Hero and 2046, also my favorites) who they believe to be a collaborator of the Japanese and had killed members of the resistance movement.  They planned to infiltrate his household so they task Chia Chi (played by Tang Wei) to play a part of “Mrs Mak” and befriend Mrs Yee. The movie depicted the transformation of Chia Chi, from the shy and inexperienced university student to a glamorously-dressed and charming Mrs Mak. Several scenes and situations later, she winded up being Mr Yee’s mistress (the movie is over two hours long—but I didn’t get bored). So how they planned and connived to get Mr Yee was the critical point of the plot.

Anyway, what I liked about Lust. Caution, notwithstanding the explicit sexual scenes/frontal nudity, is how the director and the actors translated to the screen the multi-faceted nuances of the story. A mere look in their eyes, you could tell and feel the words so sorely wanting to be uttered but cannot be said. The main characters never said “I love you” but their eyes so translate the longing, the unexpressed passion, and the tumult in their hearts.

The sex scenes were graphic enough, vintage Ang Lee fare, the critics say. I am not a professional film critic to expound if said scenes were really required by the plot. I guess, for me, this is the part that begs to answer the questions ‘was it lust alone? Or were they in love? Or both?’ (Do the main characters do yoga?  Why is Ang Lee so fond of making ‘soft porn’-like movies?)

I cried in the end (as always) because I’m a sucker for movies/love stories where the protagonist dies because of love (is this a spoiler? Medyo, pero ‘di ko naman nasabi which protagonist dies! Hah!). Only in the movies, as Ms Zafra would rant, that people die because of love.

 After the movie ended, I paused to reflect how this movie had affected me as my thoughts compile distinct impressions.

The film is amazing. Enthralling. Poignant. Heartbreaking – Lust. Caution.

(Now, I want to watch other movies with Lee-Hom Wang in them, hehe!) 

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak

            The title seems to have been subliminally stuck in my head. I can’t remember where I’ve read about it (maybe in a book review). I saw it in Fully Booked (SM North The Block) last Christmas and, as I have been splurging my bonuses to satisfy my book craving, I came across this title,  Immediately, I took it out and, without a second thought, paid for it (along with my other purchases).

             The blurbs on the cover deify how “brilliant” it was, how “life-changing,” and all other praises from reviewers and some authors I never heard of but somehow, at the back of my head, I know this is a good a book. I found myself giving up trying to remember where I heard or read about this book.

            It took a while for me to finish (I am reading 4 books at the same time, imagine that) but all I could say was – wow. I was misty-eyed when I came to the ending and thought, what a beautiful story.

            What can I say – it is one of those young adult genre novels I read until now (like Harry Potter). It tells about a young girl, Liesel, coming of age at 13, living in Nazi Germany during the time of war. She was orphaned, haunted by the death of her younger brother, as she came to live with a good-hearted couple in the poor quarter of Munich  at Himmel  Street. Unique to the story is that it was told in the point of view of Death (ang galing nga! Who would’ve thought of that). The novel revolved around her life with the Hubermann couple, her close and tight friendship with a boy named Rudy, the adventures of “book thievery” narrated amidst the war and the holocaust, and most telling of all, how their family met Max, a Jew they hid in their basement. 

            What struck me is how the author had described the girl’s inadvertent but ardent love for books. Liesel clung to the first book she ‘stole’ because it reminded her of the day her brother died. Another book, she saved from burning in a pyre. And when she first beheld the library in the Mayor’s residence, she was filled with awe, excitement, elation. It reminded me of how I feel when I enter bookstores or our high school library, the humongous UP (Diliman) Main Library – how I trooped there to just browse the titles and feel the book spines in my hand. I remembered sitting on our high school library floor, just whiling the time away during lunch hour until school bell rings the start of afternoon class – I would just read and get lost in another world.

            How very vivid the author describes it all – the ugliness of war, the lost cause that was the stalemate at Stalingrad (come to think of my, that’s my battle report during firstclass year), the devastating bombing raids and countless, pointless deaths of the innocent. Then there was the true and poignant friendship of Liesel and Rudy, the best of its kind, and perhaps the blush of what could have been a first love. The novel recounted her compassion to a despised Jew, how she questioned the twisted views of one Fuhrer, how he inflicted his hate on the world and despicably obliterated everything that she holds dear – using the power of words.

              She said, near the end, how she Hated the Word and how she Loved it.

            How right indeed. How words could cut our spirit into pieces, but words could also send us to flights of inspiration and euphoria. How words could twist our thoughts and make us feel Hate, Love, Happiness, Despair, Tumult, Pain, Joy, Hope.

            Then she wrote her story, a journal of some sort – she wrote like there was no tomorrow. It had set her spirit free, and, like a dam, the words flowed from her heart. Death was touched and haunted by her words, or so the story told.

            It is tragic, wistful, ugly and beautiful at the same time – The Book Thief.

P.S.
Borrow my copy, if you want – until now I can’t stop thinking about it (I finished it two days ago)

=====

Other books, also wonderful stories, my favorites, (young adult genre, ano pa nga ba) about the Holocaust:

Briar Rose by Jane Yolen

A modern day fairy tale version of Sleeping Beauty, it is about a young woman’s quest to find out the story of her Polish grandmother, Gemma, a survivor of the Nazi concentration camp (naiyak din ako dito).

 

Postcards From No Man’s Land by Aidan Chambers

A teenage boy’s journey to Denmark to honor his grandfather, a soldier who died in a nearby town, and how secrets from the past haunted his life and those he loves. 

(Maybe publishers could hire me na to compose blurbs for their book covers! Hahaha!)

Gusto Nyo Matawa? Eto Basahin Nyo :)

who in my generation did not grow up watching Sesame Street on TV?  The show was practically our baby sitter, where we learned our ABCs...
now, si Cookie Monster pala, nag isip...  Is he a monster daw ba? 
eto basahin nyo:
"Cookie Monster Searches Deep... (haba ng title) by Andy F Bryan"

my gosh, tawa ako ng tawa :) 

(PS.  got this from jessica zafra's blog, hehe!  she always make my day!)

Ang Lyrics "Falling Slowly"

performed by Marketa Irglova & Glen Hansard

 Intro: C F Am F F

 C F

I dont know you but I want you

 C F

All the more for that

 C F

Words fall through me and always fool me

 C F

And I cant react

Am G F G Am

Games that never amount to more than their worth

 G  F 

Will play themselves out

(Chorus)

C F Am

Take this sinking boat and point it home

 F

We've still got time

C F Am

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

F

You've made it known

C F 

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

C F

And I cant go back

C F

Moods that take me and erase me

 C F

And i'm painted black

Am G  F G Am

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself

G F

It's time that you won

(Chorus)

 (instrumental)

Am G F G Am G F 

1, 2, 3, 4....

 C G Am

Take this sinking boat and point it home

 F

We've still got time

 C G  Am

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

 F

You've made it now

 C G Am

Falling slowly, sing your melody

 F

I'll sing it loud

 C G Am F

 C F Am F F

Poems Unearthed from my Sentimental Baul Part 3

 

14 March 1996

(no title)

This pen may rest in peace
As I quench my urge to write.
I lay now my mind to rest
As I fade to non-existence
From thy consciousness
…drove myself away
From memories so haunting.
So dire a struggle, it seemed.
But success would follow suit
In every little step I take
To subtly fade from you –
Back to my world of independence,
Peace and faith
To the One who loved me
Ever since.
No teary goodbyes
And melancholy missives:
But the silence would speak for itself. 

And from this void
I bid thee farewell.

==================================

23 November 1995
LVIII 

Though years are to live still
Foreseeing his time
The lines on his face
Tell the story of hard times 

From the roads he traveled
To this bloodied experiences
He stands like a rock
Weathered but unshattered. 

Though his eyes gaily sparkle
With life and novelty,
An aura of restrained yearning
Surrounds his being --- 

           A yearning I can only surmise.

Maybe for adventures
In the field of peril
Maybe for places
In the distant wilderness
Maybe for people
Whose camaraderie defined
Maybe for a love
To last forever this time.

I may strive to search
I may try to guess
But the man is an enigma
Unto himself. 

I may fail to find
Though yearn to know
The truth will not matter
In my heart, I know

 

 24 June 1996
Contrition

The day the laughter died
I knew the end is near
The smile became restrained
I know it is over soon.
Caught in the shackle of fate
That could never be so turned
We stand but never see
As if there was no past 

Near yet still detached
Silent yet much to tell
Our minds preoccupied with work
Hoping we forget even for a while
Sometimes I think it better –
This silence, a cold façade
Thus ending the blind illusion
Halting the fall to pain. 

And yet the hurt still lives
As the heart does yearn most wistful
For the past that seemed forever
The yesterday filled with memories.
Though silence pervades uncertainty
I wish you hear one word:
By then, I could weep in peace –
Sorry.

 

Poems Unearthed from my Sentimental Baul Part 2

(Note: these one's are undated.  they're written in notebooks with my to-do lists and pieces of scrap paper from what circa i know not)

(no title)

Thy face would always remain
A searing memory of pain and heartbreak
Of obsession and dreadful mistake
Of deeply rooted regrets
Of hardened, unspoken goodbyes.
You can never be a friend
I realized
Lest I betray my heart
To broken pain again
Never again will you destroy
My heart
Nor castigate me a fool
For I have severely been one
Leaving this memory
Be thy only legacy
Though I try,
Forgetting seems in vain
Sorrowful as it is
I bear it as my cross 

And death may be my freedom. 

 

(no title)

The past still beckons
From its cobwebbed state
From the dusty confines
In the attic of my mind
Still remembering with fondest smiles
Still weeping over regret and pain
Though less now…
Lesser and lesser
But wonder still at what had been 

Reflect on what has become
Of oneself, one’s peace –
There is none
Maybe there can never be.

===========================

26 1700 June (written date but no year)

(no title)

Poetry whispers
Falters, trying to
Be free from confines
Lost in the mundane suffering
Of a cold, hard world
Of reality
Begging to be written
Weeping to be heard
In hushed, sultry tones
Often ignored
But still they keep
  Whispering….

=======================

05 December 1995

 Mahal ko sya pero…

 

Heto na naman ang naturingan
Isolation syndrome ng aking isipan
Pano’s walang sem break
At slug 90-50 (magan magan kasi)
Ngayon ramdam ko
Aking mata nakatanto
Ng isang mamahalin
Ngunit sincerely matutuyo
Hanggang matuyuan siguro
Ako ng dugo.
Pano’y hindi na lamang
Sa kadete nakatingin
Kundi sa kanya
“I’ll find out sir”
Ang aking sagot sa tanong
Na “my last name?”
Pa’nong di maakit
Sa mga matang iba talaga
Sa aking vault files
Na tipo – nakakatawa.
Kasi nga din a singkit,
Di pa matangkad at mestizo
Siguro dahil sa smile o tindig
O sa kanyang tabak sa dibdib (Ranger!)
Sincerely kung makapangulit
Pano’y bago kasi
At ngayo’y barkada ng kadete.
Ang aking trip naman
Siya’y mag OC lamang
Parang langit/potato salad na kaibigan
Kababaw ng kaligayahan
Kasi hanggang ganoon na lamang
Gayon pa man ang lagay
Ako’y pasalamat pa rin
May pampa high morale dito
Sa loob na nakakabaliw.
Mahirap naman siguro
Kung kami magkatagpo
Magkaroon pa ng ibang pakiramdam
Ako’y bubuntung hininga
Dahil makapag sagutan pa
Ng mga katagang ganito
“hirap sayo, huli ka ng pumasok dito”
Akin naman sambitin
“Sir, ang hirap sayo
Gumradweyt ka na dito
Grade 6 pa lang ako”
Tapos, aking ‘mistah,’ class ____?
Never mind, mga ginoo!
Maling oras, maling lugar
Upang mapa sigla
Ang tigang na damdamin
Siguro darating rin
Sa buhay ko, malay nyo
Maghintay na lang ako,
Ng irog na totoo.

Pero sa ngayon wala pa rin
Puso’y libre at

malaya

Kahit snappy

sana

mahalin –
Opisyal naman – tuyo pa rin!

Poems Unearthed from my Sentimental Baul

(Note:  the notebook's pages are frayed and close to disintegrating.  Kaya i'm posting it here na lang -- to last as long as the friendster's server won't crash or something)

23 Jan 1995

Time

Time will come
When dawn will break
Giving light to your mind
That we are not meant

But this time with you
Is not wasted in sorrow
But spent in smiles
Despite fortune’s call

For time will take me
Away from your arms
To world’s of renown
To heights unknown

So this time I now save
My heart I now give
Before our time slips…
Runs out with fate.

===================================

22 March 1995
Tears

 
Drop by drop
They freely fall
Down my cheeks
And scars.

The muffled sobs
Breaths so deep
Hides thoughts that race –
It mars.

Night so cold
Heightens the hurt
Of this heart in pain…
And tears.

But when it’s done
The water’s gone;
Washing the wound…
It heals.

======================

Fortnight
by Ramon David Hontiveros

Oh, Melancholy known to me
Borne of circumstance where fortune has gone

From me, separates my better half
Cruelty, misfortune, naught to laugh

No, her scent on the wind does come
Bewitching, yet torturing out of reach
Yes, how almost beckoning to some
Yet from her, no morals to teach

Leave me be.
No other remedy is known to me.

 

01 April: The Day That Started My Evolution

     I realized only now that the month of April marks 3 significant events in my life. It has been 15 years since our class made it to Reception Day at PMA in the year 1993. Marching towards the Borromeo Field that fateful afternoon was the moment had started my journey to this regimented existence. It indoctrinated me with dogmas like the Honor Code and its time honored motto (Courage, Integrity, Loyalty). It trained me in the military arts and sciences. It subjected me to all kinds of pressure – mental, physical, psychological, social, emotional. And like the steel that was tempered in the Anvil of Life, I had been molded and pounded to become a competent officer of the Army. A proud alumni of the Long Grey Line. A pioneering female graduate. An evolved individual. Somehow, I was not anymore the young, naive, shy and reserved girl who attended the reception rites that fateful day of 01 April 1993. I became a plebe/cadet that paved the way to my being a newly commissioned, lowest-mammal-of-the-officer-corps tiniente kamote  (that’s what they “lovingly” call 2LTs) 4 years after -- assertive, undaunted, and confident with high hopes for the future.

   

          Fast forward to April year 2000. This was the month when the campaign to seize MILF camps started. And I, as an executive officer and platoon leader of 26^th Mech Infantry Company, was deployed in various operations in the AOR of 6ID (Maguindanao, Cotabato) to lead my mech infantry platoon. It was my first time to be deployed in actual combat. Our company was designated the rapid deployment force of our battalion (2^nd Mech Inf Bn) so our platoons were sent almost everywhere – in Buldon, Maguindanao; Darapanan; Limbalod, Carmen; Crossing Langkong, in the seizure of Camp Sarmiento (gateway to Abubakar) and in Rajah Muda, Pikit. Another evolution had taken place – I became a warrior. A leader of men. A soldier in its real, nitty-gritty essence – hearing the metal clanks and rumblings of the APC moving towards the engagement areas and the heavy, heart-thudding fire of the .50 Caliber, smelling that high-inducing smoke of gunpowder, eating the field expedient fare of the combat chef called hunugutang gisado and unidentified-gulay/weed salad (masarap naman!), sleeping in hammocks or in the APC (naka combat lock pa minsan) sometimes with rain pouring hard over raging skies. A soldier in the front line.

   

           Then 01 April 2007 – I was designated as Chief, Division Public Affairs Office of the Light Armor Division. Some would say it was but a natural choice for me to be assigned as such. Long before, I had been editor of our Armor Journal. But I was never really that well-versed in dealing with the media. I remember during our Firstclass year, our PIO then (si Brownbagger yun) shuttled us to the various media interviews and appearances in Manila prior to our graduation week. I was really peeved and annoyed by the attention (I even made an article about it that appeared in our Graduation Issue of The Corps Mag “Female Cadets: Truths and Myths”) and how we have to put this “friendly” persona just so we could be endorsed to the whole world (but actually we were only thinking endorsement sa cadet corps at puro kantsaw ang inabot namin pagbalik ng PMA). I could just imagine the consternation and the pressure and the aggravation (sorry po Sir Dennis!) we caused him during those days. But now, with this position given me, I found out, to my surprise – I enjoyed doing this. Another evolution has happened. I became diplomatic, tolerant (my boss should read this!), patient, a repository of information (dapat alam ko lahat ng mga nangyayari), constantly aware of all the issues (and how to answer them, when asked), a counselor and a good listener.

         

And after all these years, I find myself still striving to live up to the expectations of my peers, subordinates and superiors. You see, I read Brownbagger’s blog about waiting for the clock to strike at exactly 01 April at 12 midnight and that, he said, was the end of his career in the military service. And so, his reflections had resulted also to my introspections and this blog.   

         What now? Wala lang. I should go back to work – I have a newsletter layout to finish (Hahaha!).  ‘Nough said.

      

@ 11PM

I was distracted from reading/editing Leah’s paper. I was surfing the NCSB site then I found myself reading my old blogs, adding new apps to my Friendster and reading my fave blogs, Jessica Zafra and Chuvaness.

I was struck by chuvaness blog nung sinabi nya na ayaw nya  i-pursue ang magdesign ng clothes and she apologizes to her dad for sending her to design school. And there was also this entry about Philippe Starck retiring from his designing career  and pursue ‘something else.’ And he was designing beautiful spaces in hotels everywhere, and beautiful things. He didn’t find any meaning in it. He said ‘design is dead.’ Pointless. ‘Everything I designed was unnecessary.’ 

Ganun ba? I mused.

Seems to me, we come to that point of our lives when we ask ourselves, ano ba tong ginagawa ko? What’s the point? Even if, sa tingin natin, we have a happy family, a great career, healthy kids, walang ka ng hahanapin pa, some people even want to have your life, your at the top of your game. Pero yun… You think about the turning points in your past life and how you wished you did things differently. You tell yourself, you did the right thing, made the right decisions and so far, everything in your life is a blessing and is good but you flagellate yourself coz you feel regret instead. We tell ourselves, move on, and have hope that maybe your most desperate dreams will yet come true… But you cannot ignore the melancholy in your heart, like there’s a void, an emptiness that never seems to fade, that almost always nags you in your solitude.

Still we continue living, despite the questions. We go through the motions, we smile and keep our happy dispositions for all to see, a mask to hide ones pains and longings.

We ask, what now?

(I have no answer).

Tennis Match Federer vs Fish -- What Happened, Roger????

I watched the replay of Federer and Fish's semifinal match on Star Sports kagabi.  Ano ba yun?  After two straight sets, talo si Federer!  as in HA???  How did that happened? 
Eto naman Ms Jessica Zafra's take on what happened.
"Basta. Ayoko" daw e.
Ang observation ko lang ay parang wala si Federer sa sarili nya...  He seems lost and didn't have the will to play.  4-6, 2-6 ba naman ang score -- so pathetic!  Muntik na nga sya ma 1-6 sa second set.
Even Nadal lost to Djokovic...   Ayoko na manood!  Sa French Open na lang ulit ka bumawi, Rafa-my-secret-BF-na-ako-lang-nakakaalam!  (hehehe!)

P.S  Djokovic won the Pacific Life Open title defeating Fish 6-2, 5-7, 6-3 in this morning's match. 

from my "Smile' journal; Holy Week reflections 2007

Eto pala mga sinulat last year, sa journal ko...

"I will write no matter what – no matter what demons will haunt me. I will write and conquer 'the blank page that mocks' me so bitterly. I will write my soul in these pages, in my e-journals.

I will write about my life whether it is miserable or joyful. I will write about the books and movies I love. I will write about my children, their crazy antics and funny quips.

I will conquer that procrastination and laziness that beset me every time I feel like writing something but eventually will not.

I will do this because I want to live – to live deliberately and passionately, to seize my days and end my anemic life.

I WILL LIVE the life I want and it’s my CHOICE that counts, in the end.

It’s okay if I’ll be hurt, if I feel too much. It is much better this way than feel apathy or indifference.

Dear Lord, I pray for strength, and Your forgiveness."

Fast forward to the present:
Nagb blog na nga ako.  Though may mga bagay pa rin na di ko magawa due to unavoidable circumstances and restraints ng pamilyado, Life goes on. 
The prayer, sa last line -- still the same.
Funny, Alanis Morissette's song Forgiven is playing in my head... the line:
"what i learned i rejected, but i believe again
i will suffer the consequence of this inquisition.
if i drink from this fountain, will i be forgiven?"